Mama.

Mama, I’m sorry. You taught me to love all but I failed you. Hatred is all that clouds my mind. You were right. You did sow flowers but I grew weeds.

I tried. I promise I did. I tried to see the good in all. I promise I lent an ear. I promise I tried to see it from their point of view. But mama it’s your fault too.

You taught me to love and to be loved, but how does one confuse being loved with being constantly hurt? They took the ear I lent only to whisper lies about myself into my head. They used my shoulders only to push me down. They took my hands only to claw scared into it. Mama, I’m sorry but I don’t understand how this is love.

If this is love, I love myself unconditionally. I beat myself mentally in claims it’ll help me do better. I carve my name into my arm to remind me of who I am. I scream into my pillow till my throat is sore, all because I love myself mama. But more than myself, I love you and I love you with the definition of love I want to believe in, what you wanted me to believe in, not what you didn’t intend to make me believe in. I know you didn’t think this is what I would’ve learnt.

Mama, you failed to see that I am not you. Forget us, my whole generation isn’t like yours. And like I said, I promised to be nice and they promised to misuse it. And I smile taking the brunt of it because apparently this is love mama.

I apologise for the naive mind, now so corrupt. I apologise for the deviation from what you taught me. But most importantly I apologise because I can no more live or want to be loved. I can’t Love anyone the way you want me to but I can’t hate anyone more than I hate myself. And I hate myself because of their love.

Mama, I love you with what I want to believe love is and I live myself with what I unintentionally learnt. And with whatever is left of the little girl who you taught to love, all I can say is sorry.